All sparks burn out

And that's what's happening to me.

I'm not sure why, but I'm burning out. Like I can't carry the weight of responsibility. Like I need to sleep. I'll be fine in a few days, don't worry - but I just feel very empty right now. I don't think the funeral helped much: the emotional toll is vast. 

I was out on a bike ride today, and even though Strava tells me my Relative effort was huge (historic, even), it just felt like I was riding the whole time badly. No energy, no speed, no power. So it's all very odd.  

But, if there's a silver lining, it's that cycling has taught me to respect my body, to listen to the internal voice and respect the signs it's sending out. It's shouting at me - "relax, take some time to get back to yourself."

So that's what I'm going to have to do. 

And a vow.

A new year means a new start, obviously. But it means a lot more to me. It means I  can rationalise my thoughts, energies, and direction. Little steps to change the way you walk. I'm not sure what these steps will be, but I'd like to continue the path which led me to do things such as stopping drinking for good, or getting fit. Looking at life a different way and reacting accordingly. 

I get stuck sometimes. The same old paths, patterns, and behaviours. It's time to reevaluate once again.

Eighteen.

 My blog is an adult! This week, it's eighteen years old. I can't quite believe it's been that long, of course - but I'm strangely reassured by how old-school it's remained. It's a Blogspot, through and through. So many of my contemporaries from then seem to have vanished, or headed over to WordPress. So much of the blogosphere (copyright - Web 2.0) has splintered. 

But I really do still like having a blog, as a fallback to that original ethos - a modest site where I can unload, where I can just talk randomly, about myself, and my life. 

The photo above is important, in that regard, as it shows where I am now, and I'd like to think it's also emblematic of the fact that I'm walking, travelling, still on that journey. When I began blogging, I was on a dial-up modem, in my one-bed pied-a-terre in Shepherd's Bush. An Xfm DJ, still married. Eighteen later? Divorced, remarried, two children, house in the suburbs. Some things remain the same (skating, music, Joneses) some things have changed dramatically (cycling, sobriety). Overall though, it's just an absolute relief to be able to document those changes, in the same place. Change itself, needn't be chaotic - it can underpin the constancy of our lives. That's what this blog means to me: an underpinning. A hope that I can find order amongst the flowing currents, and describe the feel of the water as it carries me, to wherever it will. 

How to start the day

Or, how not to. It's been a depressing beginning, for a Wednesday. Family stuff, normal pressures. Making me feel hollowed out, and useless. So, I'll try and balance that out, by showing you how my days normally start - and how that's helped me.
In the last six months, I've managed to finally get fit, and lose some weight - part of that has been because of sobriety, but it's also a process that's happened just because it felt like it was time. I've lost 45 pounds, which is a huge amount, I know - and oddly, it's actually been rather easy. In the past, it's always been half a stone here, a stone there. But this time around, the willpower I had discovered since kicking alcohol has served me in really good stead. I just managed to find a course of action, and stick to it. Perhaps more importantly, because I've now accepted change, that process was actually a lot of fun.
I'll deal with exercise another time, but I did want to focus a little on how I changed my diet - and the biggest part of that was finding a routine that helped me out, in the morning. Breakfast is such an important meal - not just for the nutritional values it gives you, but also for the statement it makes. This is how I'm starting my day! This is what I'm doing with my life!
I needed to find something that did all of those things, and was healthy, tasty, and felt right. So here's how it pans out.
I tend to get up before everyone else. Pip sets an alarm really early - 6am. But then, tends to snooze. Me? I'm now wide awake. So, I'll get up, no real point in lying there looking at the ceiling, So, I have time to cook, and to think. Breakfast for me is quite Zen - a chance to organise food, to be methodical. And I think that trickles down to me, and the rest of my day. "Start as you mean to go on", if I had to distill it into one simple phrase.
I have Soba Noodles for Breakfast, with various drinks to accompany. Soba are just wonderful: low GI, virtually no fat, low calories, lots of protein, and fibre. I get my packets from Amazon, on a regular order - they're authentic Japanese noodles, and not expensive at all. Soba noodles need five minutes on the hob, so while they're cooking, I'll get everything else together. Fill a Japanese tea cup with Green tea. Prepare a glass of iced water. Get a vitamin pill (Centrum Men's 50+, ah, old age!) And a glass of coconut milk.
Once the noodles are cooked, they're rinsed in cold water, and drained. Into a small bowl, and then topped with two finely sliced green onions. Shaken over the top - some toasted black sesame seeds, and some Furikake. Then, add some Tsuyu broth. This gives you that real Umami kick - some sweet, some salt. It's about 100ml of broth, I guess.
And that's it. Like I said - it's about having a healthy, great breakfast, but it's also about starting the day off, on the right foot.

Need to get this out there

As a descriptive post, for where I am, and what I'm doing. I've had a little look back through the archives, and a lot of posts seem  to be anchored around times, places, and snapshots of my life.
So, I'm on the bed, it's a grey March morning. The cat is next to me, purring quietly. The kids are watching telly (Marnie) and playing PS4 (Milo). I've had my Soba noodles for breakfast, and I'm going to think about a stroll on the common, once Pip gets back from the gym.
The common has been a big thing for me, over the past six months. I've walked at least four miles a day, most days of the week. That's one of the reasons I'm skinnier than I was. That, and completely giving up alcohol. I read back through the archives, last night, and was astounded how much I used to drink, but also how much I revelled in it. Those days are gone.

Life's good. I mean - well, it always is, but it's good, this morning, it really is.

Another one of those"Hey, where did the time go?" posts

Ugh.
How long has it been? Social media has made blogging a bit redundant, for me - and I can't help thinking that's a real shame.
So, I'm going to try and put stuff up again, for the hell of it.
I've managed to turn a lot of things around, in the last couple of years, so being able to document some of those things will be ....beneficial, I think.
Plus, I've been looking back at the archives for this blog, and I always think how much I absolutely LOVED writing it. With that in mind, I've also decided to do a design revert - and take it back to the old school. This Orange theme was the first I ever used, IIRC. It's nice to have it back.

More change

And this one is odd. I've started to think I've got it wrong about CD's, and remasters. I thought that a remaster couldn't be anything but an improvement, but I've just had to go out and buy a dozen original Genesis albums, as the remastered CD's were just awful. Original CD's give me the chance to hear things as I did, when I first heard the albums. Am I just growing old? Or do I crave that link to my past?
I need to delve deeper. I'll report back.

Hold on, where did the time go?

It's been - well, it's been busy.
I made a video for the new single, which was a somewhat tortured process, but ultimately rewarding. I used Rotor, which is a truly revolutionary way of allowing artists to make video content - I just need to practise a little more! Hopefully, I'll get that chance - the plan is to release visual montages for each of the three tracks on the forthcoming EP. So, one down, two to go.
Apart from the Joneses - change has been progressing, as ever. I'm a little lighter now, which is nice, I was a little flabby at the start of the year. I look back on some of the photos of myself in Tokyo, and wince. I'm about half a stone lighter now, which is great. A start. I've been exercising, and eating better, and the drop in alcohol consumption must have helped too.
One of the nice things about reducing my alcohol intake has been the return of my senses. I can taste, and smell things with greater clarity -  which was a huge surprise. I'm not complaining though, at this time of year, there's an ozone freshness to the air, and the smell of flowers, grasses-  even weeds, can be quite overpowering.
I'm drinking all of that in, instead.

Oops.

I vanished for a few days.
Y'know, after a few years where I really didn't bother at all, I'm sure it's nothing, to some of you. But it does feel odd now, to me. I like how that's changed. I've got a sense of responsibility back, for this little blog. I must take care of it, as it bumps along the bottom, of a web that doesn't really care too much. If I don't take care of it - who will?
Anyway. What's been happening? Well, my ligaments are still aching. It's been going on for a few months now, and I'm getting tired of it. I had a brief interlude where what felt like  dislocated bone in my hand reset itself - but the pain is till there. I have more movement than I did, so I'm hoping it is just ligaments. We'll see. If it doesn't calm down any further by next week, a visit to the hospital may be called for.
Changes to my life? It's time for more exercise, I think. It's been too long, and I was getting rather rotund, at the start of the year. the lack of booze over the ensuing months has certainly helped, but I can, and will do more.
For now, it's been swimming, but I'll expand that to cycling, soon.
Without falling off, obviously.

Validation

Since I started looking to see if I could change, be a nicer person, I've been trying to let go of some of my anger. Anger isn't a great thing for me - it feels destructive, and negative, and it doesn't energise me in any way whatsoever.
For me, change is about trying to retain, and then own, control over myself. I should be the one in charge, yet so much of life sometimes feels a little like...drift. And realising this has really helped.
Example - you're sitting in traffic, and get to a narrow point in the road, only one car can get through. You stop, let the guy at the other end have his turn. He drives past - and doesn't wave, doesn't acknowledge you at all, doesn't say thanks. Happens all the time to me, especially in London. Drivers can be dicks, basically. You sit there, cursing under your breath: "great!, yeah, thanks very much - nice one". Black waves of anger, crashing around the car.
Happened again today, and before all the usual feelings boiled up, I realised I'd passed over control of this situation to the other guy. I was waiting for validation of my kindness. When it didn't arrive, I wondered why I'd bothered in the first place. Then, I thought - well, if he doesn't acknowledge what I've done, does that negate my kindness? No. Only if I let it.
And I realised I didn't want that to happen. If I'm in charge, I want to know that kindness, even if it's ignored, is still kindness. The focus shifted back to me, and I felt good about my actions, no matter what the results were.
It's a small step, but it feels bigger than that, somehow.
I'll run with this one, see what happens.

More change.

..and one of the things that I'm obsessed with, in the process of change, is the personal challenge: can I do things differently? What happens if I change my behaviour incrementally? It's fun to know that I can - and that the process of change is seldom disruptive.
So - the latest lifetweak: read more books. Nice and simple. Went to the charity shop yesterday, picked up a copy of "A Town Like Alice". That's a good place to start, isn't it?
No screens at bedtime - no phone, no laptop, no iPad. Jump in the shower, jump into bed, read.
Will be interesting to see how long I can keep this up - and how many books I can get through.

More rediscovery.

This article had me running back the The Sound albums. Boy, they were great. If you're not aware, I suggest you investigate, pronto.
Other things happened to me today. I was musing on how easily I'd been able to give up alcohol (for periods at a time, obviously), but how I still surrounded myself with things which didn't really do me much good. So, I'm cutting down on anger. On arguments, and negativity. All of those things create a climate of anger, which builds, and builds, until it dissipates, one way or another. Sometimes anger can be an energy (as someone famously said) but for me, I didn't like the unpredictable nature of release.
So - facebook groups that launch into arguments, bad drivers, internet comments - things will have to go.
And will I miss them?
No.

Idiot Box

If I'm thinking about change then there's one way that I've totally, completely changed. I never watch TV any more. This evening, I sat down, on my own (Philippa was off at a "Gym Parents" open evening) and turned on the television. I'd taped nothing that I wanted to see. I scrolled through the Sky movies. Netflix. The planner, the TV guide.
Nothing.
There were times when I'd watch soaps, or sports. Films, comedy, maybe just Sky News. Now? I need that big black box less, and less. It's not that I've replaced TV with other media - I don't watch endless youtube videos, or torrent the latest series.
In fact, in a world seemingly ruled by new entertainment series - I've withdrawn almost totally. I've never watched The Wire, of Mad Men, Or Game Of Thrones, or the Walking Dead.
My life now has nothing episodic about it, so I suppose that's reflected in the entertainment I do choose.
The music I love, the food I cook. The children I'm bringing up.
Bye, telly. It's been fun.

Life in Tokyo

God, I miss Shinjuku. just looking at the view makes me want to go back, as soon as possible. It's an odd feeling, I feel almost....homesick. Very odd, when it's not home.
I learned a lot about Tokyo on my visit earlier this year, but more than that - I learned a lot about myself. I learned how to be myself, to feel comfortable, to be self-contained. To stride out into the world, without fear or hesitation, without guile or invention. It's part of the reason I came back energised, wanting to change myself. not forever, but in the small, subtle ways which would result in a fresh way of thinking.
I'm getting there.
But I still need to get back to Tokyo.