Sunday, August 18, 2019

More thinking

While in the New Forest, for a family holiday. I thought of time running in both directions, again. How my self - now, could affect my self, then. I actually rolled it around in my head, until it took shape. The shape of something I half-remembered, from my childhood. A memory that bubbles up, every once in a while. It all feels quite...cinematic. A widescreen look at a narrow feeling.
I can recall standing in a field, by the entrance to Dauntsey's school - as the path to the school winds past fields and stream. I stood by the bank of that stream, looking at a viaduct, and the trains that passed to the east. Heading up to London. I can hear myself saying "take me with you", under my breath. I can still feel that back then, life was passing me by - now, has it still? Or do I want it that way?
I'm not sure.

I always thought stories had an end. Now, I think they never end.

Monday, August 12, 2019

What's a day in the holidays actually like?

Today felt very...standard. Archetypal. Some dozing (twenty minutes!), some baking (Marnie wanted to make cupcakes - again) some work (ROCCR stuff, as well as a bulletin for tomorrow) and some lunch (hummus, peppers, yoghurt)
So, I was grateful that I started off the day, on my bike. A quick loop around Epsom common, then around Horton Park, and then Ashtead common as well. With the sun rising over the trees, and no-one else on the trails, at all. With the smell of leaves, and soil, and Buddleia, and brambles. I think a fairly decent word for all of the assault on my senses would be "fecund".
Would like to do it again tomorrow, but I suspect that the weather may thwart my plans.

Sunday, August 11, 2019

I went out on my bike today.

And it made me feel like a kid again. Everyone says that, I'm sure. "Oh, I felt like a child, it was wonderful". But this was something else. I mean, I really did feel young. Like I'd regressed. Like I could see, somehow, How I was. I could feel the same way. And oddly, time seemed to be flowing both ways. As fast as I was heading towards old age and death, I was running as hard as I could, in the opposite direction. To be who I was, and to feel what I feel. All of it was there, every instant. How odd is that? All from a bike ride.

Tuesday, August 06, 2019

Needed a quick break.

Every now and again, you have to do it.
My year is starting to turn around, gradually. The two big foreign JJ jaunts - which were huge sources of stress - are now over. There's another tour in the Autumn - but that's 3 months away. For now, I can relax a little, and focus on the Kids, and ROCCR.
But, I'm also looking at my life, more than I used to. One of the benefits of sobriety seems to be the sense of living, absolutely, in the moment. I feel like I've got my memory, and my memories back, and they swirl around my head, constantly. I can feel, smell, taste, the things I di - ten, twenty, thirty years ago. It can be a little bewildering, but at the same time, it's filling me with a pure sense of wonder.

Tuesday, June 11, 2019

Sitting on the bed

Listening to the kids having a story read to them. It's been quite a quiet bedtime tonight-  which is a blessed relief. Milo can certainly be....challenging, at times like this, so peace and tranquillity is something to revel in.
It's been a drifting day if I'm honest, but I did manage to get out to the gym and swim. I'm going to do my best to exercise as much as possible, this week. It's been tricky, over the past few weeks, and I'm feeling it. Haven't put any weight on, but I feel out of condition. I need more energy and drive.
and today has been soundtracked by Miles, as so much of my time is. 1958 Miles, to be exact. I'd love to know if there's a mono CD of it - that would be amazing. Must dive down a Google rabbit hole.

Monday, June 10, 2019

And this seems strangely fitting

Well, perhaps not so strange. There are times when it's just me, on this journey. Even if it means it's just me, thinking about everyone else. That's a vital part of togetherness - the solitude that engenders complete understanding of who you are. Then, you can work out how to do that dance, around all the people you love, and let them into your world, as you fall into theirs.

Breakfast again.

I feel slightly lethargic today. I guess that it has something to do with not exercising for a while - I've just been too busy. Need to get out there and do it, really. It's a Monday, so it's a perfect time - the cleaner is busy in the house, so lazing around here isn't any fun, and to underscore that, the builder will be here doing the bathroom. It's a soggy, drizzly morning, so it seems like a good idea to get out and hit the gym. Could swim? In the rain? That's always a cathartic thing. As ever, my exercise is more about a state of mind, than a state of the body.
A great weekend (well, for me) as I managed to go and do some DJ-ing. It always chills me out and makes me think. I have a million ideas flying around - and I need to rationalise as many of them as is possible.

Sunday, June 09, 2019

Sunday Morning

Suffused with a strange mix of melancholy, and contentment. Like  I'm being pulled in a couple of different directions. IT's early, and I'm having breakfast on my own - as is so often the case. Noodles, coconut milk, green tea. A glass of cranberry juice, my multivitamins. Everything is quiet, it's just me, and the birdsong. At times like this, time seems to slow to a crawl. I'm looking around the house - it really needs a tidy - that's my first job, once I've drunk my tea.