More thinking

While in the New Forest, for a family holiday. I thought of time running in both directions, again. How my self - now, could affect my self, then. I actually rolled it around in my head, until it took shape. The shape of something I half-remembered, from my childhood. A memory that bubbles up, every once in a while. It all feels quite...cinematic. A widescreen look at a narrow feeling.
I can recall standing in a field, by the entrance to Dauntsey's school - as the path to the school winds past fields and stream. I stood by the bank of that stream, looking at a viaduct, and the trains that passed to the east. Heading up to London. I can hear myself saying "take me with you", under my breath. I can still feel that back then, life was passing me by - now, has it still? Or do I want it that way?
I'm not sure.

I always thought stories had an end. Now, I think they never end.

What's a day in the holidays actually like?

Today felt very...standard. Archetypal. Some dozing (twenty minutes!), some baking (Marnie wanted to make cupcakes - again) some work (ROCCR stuff, as well as a bulletin for tomorrow) and some lunch (hummus, peppers, yoghurt)
So, I was grateful that I started off the day, on my bike. A quick loop around Epsom common, then around Horton Park, and then Ashtead common as well. With the sun rising over the trees, and no-one else on the trails, at all. With the smell of leaves, and soil, and Buddleia, and brambles. I think a fairly decent word for all of the assault on my senses would be "fecund".
Would like to do it again tomorrow, but I suspect that the weather may thwart my plans.

I went out on my bike today.

And it made me feel like a kid again. Everyone says that, I'm sure. "Oh, I felt like a child, it was wonderful". But this was something else. I mean, I really did feel young. Like I'd regressed. Like I could see, somehow, How I was. I could feel the same way. And oddly, time seemed to be flowing both ways. As fast as I was heading towards old age and death, I was running as hard as I could, in the opposite direction. To be who I was, and to feel what I feel. All of it was there, every instant. How odd is that? All from a bike ride.

Needed a quick break.

Every now and again, you have to do it.
My year is starting to turn around, gradually. The two big foreign JJ jaunts - which were huge sources of stress - are now over. There's another tour in the Autumn - but that's 3 months away. For now, I can relax a little, and focus on the Kids, and ROCCR.
But, I'm also looking at my life, more than I used to. One of the benefits of sobriety seems to be the sense of living, absolutely, in the moment. I feel like I've got my memory, and my memories back, and they swirl around my head, constantly. I can feel, smell, taste, the things I di - ten, twenty, thirty years ago. It can be a little bewildering, but at the same time, it's filling me with a pure sense of wonder.