Wednesday, April 06, 2016


Since I started looking to see if I could change, be a nicer person, I've been trying to let go of some of my anger. Anger isn't a great thing for me - it feels destructive, and negative, and it doesn't energise me in any way whatsoever.
For me, change is about trying to retain, and then own, control over myself. I should be the one in charge, yet so much of life sometimes feels a little like...drift. And realising this has really helped.
Example - you're sitting in traffic, and get to a narrow point in the road, only one car can get through. You stop, let the guy at the other end have his turn. He drives past - and doesn't wave, doesn't acknowledge you at all, doesn't say thanks. Happens all the time to me, especially in London. Drivers can be dicks, basically. You sit there, cursing under your breath: "great!, yeah, thanks very much - nice one". Black waves of anger, crashing around the car.
Happened again today, and before all the usual feelings boiled up, I realised I'd passed over control of this situation to the other guy. I was waiting for validation of my kindness. When it didn't arrive, I wondered why I'd bothered in the first place. Then, I thought - well, if he doesn't acknowledge what I've done, does that negate my kindness? No. Only if I let it.
And I realised I didn't want that to happen. If I'm in charge, I want to know that kindness, even if it's ignored, is still kindness. The focus shifted back to me, and I felt good about my actions, no matter what the results were.
It's a small step, but it feels bigger than that, somehow.
I'll run with this one, see what happens.

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